Purple is the New Orange (wine)

The below was my reply to an email with a group of friends asking what kind of wine I was bringing to a BYOB dinner.

I’ll be bringing some purple wine.

What is purple wine?

Photo 13-01-2015 23 04 59

This is not sizzurp.

It’s a brand new style of wine that you may have never heard of let alone tasted before!

Starlings heading to the pub after a long nights picking.

Starlings heading to the pub after a long nights picking.

Field blends from regions beginning with the letter B are cryogenically flash frozen in the vineyard after picking (performed by well trained starlings) which can only be completed on the same night (usually Halloween) and according to the Biodynamic calendar (though as grapes come from different time zones/hemispheres/seasons – Barolo & Barossa for example, this sometimes involves a flux capacitator and some Libyan terroirists).

Consultant oenologist M. Gaddafi 'Micro oxidation is an act of terroirism'

Consultant oenologist M. Gaddafi ‘Micro oxidation is an act of terroirism’

The grapes (there can be up to 57 varieties) are then co-fermented on their skins in a (500ltr) whale’s vagina (lined with a new polymer made of breathable clay and concrete) for 42 years, 42minutes and 42 seconds. Fermentation temperatures are controlled by the super computer Deep Thought (if the whale farts there can also be some carbonic maceration).

57 Varieties

57 Varieties

After bottling the wine is held in a ‘stasis anti grav control mechanism’ you may have seen a sneak peak of this in the film Event Horizon where it was used to contain Dark Matter.

No reduction problems here, the Angel's sold their shares.

No reduction problems here, the Angel’s sold their shares.

The wine is then racked with a combination of guilt and the eggs of an albino dodo.

The racking of the guilt.

The racking of the guilt.

It is then fined £50 and must go directly to jail without passing Go and collecting £200.

Photo 13-01-2015 23 13 08The wine is only ever bottled in a Clavé-bôam these are hand blown bottles made by the ancient biblical kings of the Northern Kingdoms and hold 620ltrs of wine. This is due to the extra mass the wine gains while held in stasis.

Giant bottle of wine

‘Errr, it’s corked mate’

The wine is currently being pored by the glass by a number of New York sommeliers that are rumored to have sold their souls to the devil.

A Somm-ster

A Somm-ster

It has been rated 200/100pts by both Parker & Suckling (Jancis gave it 16.5).

I will be bringing the famous ‘asteroid vintage’ of 2032.

This was the last vintage made as the winemaker had been shooting blanks, could not impregnate his wife Sally and was unable to get a child license. He had no heir to continue on at the domain which is located somewhere under the Franco-Swiss border & Jura mountain range (bordering the CERN Hadron collider, who he was in constant legal battles with regarding cellar contamination).

Photo 13-01-2015 23 16 54
This was also the year that an asteroid destroyed the planet earth.

If this is corked I will bring a backup bottle of legal drinking age Alsatian Riesling and a unicorn red from Pomerol.

Lots of love


I think my friends often wonder about my mental state but it’s all just a bit of fun really.

(No whales were harmed in the making of this post, email me for stockists)

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